What’s Happening When Someone Repeatedly Breaks Mutually-Made Plans

Melody and I used to make plans the way people do when they care about each other. We’d talk them through, check calendars, and imagine the future together, even if it was just a Tuesday night dinner or a weekend hike. When we’d land on a plan, I’d feel my body settle and my heart open, knowing I had something to look forward to. 

But then that day and time would arrive and…no Melody.

I’d call her from a restaurant. “Where are you?” She’d act bewildered. “What do you mean where are you? I’m home, eating my dinner with George.”

I’d protest. “But we made a plan! I’m at Pelican Inn, and you’re 30 minutes late.”

“For what?” she’d say, as if we hadn’t booked dinner at Pelican Inn two weeks ago.

When I’d express upset, she’d deny we ever made a plan. Even when I started having her sign a piece of paper verifying that we’d made a plan, she’d act like this was the first she’d ever heard of any Pelican Inn dinner, and I’d wind up feeling crazy and gaslit.

I couldn’t figure it out. Was she stoned or drunk when we made the plan? Does she have ADHD or DID? Was she just so narcissistic that she feels entitled to distort reality whenever our plan turned out to be inconvenient for her?

Melody is not my friend anymore, because this is what happened way too often whenever we made plans.

With James, the pattern was similar but different. James and I would make plans- and he wouldn’t deny that we’d made plans- but he’d cancel plans at the last minute with lame, flaky excuses, like “It’s just not in the flow for me right now,” acting as if I’m spiritually inferior to him for not accepting that excuse.

“Would you really want me to do something that’s not aligned with Divine will?” It seemed way too convenient to blame Divine will when James had gotten a better offer and just didn’t want to hang out with me.

With both Melody and James, I’d get upset when the mutually made plan was unilaterally broken, without consideration for the impact on me, my plans, or the tickets I’d bought for them. And with both of them, somehow I often got blamed for my reactivity. I was gaslighting Melody by telling her we had a plan when we didn’t. I was being controlling when I pressured James to keep him commitment, even if it wasn’t “in the flow.” I was too intense. Or I have a stick up my ass and I’m soooo rigid. Not once did either of them apologize for being out of integrity with their word or express empathy for me after letting me down.

If you’ve ever been in a relationship like this, you know the quiet unraveling it can cause. Not just of the relationship, but of your confidence in your own perceptions. This kind of plan-breaking will be the topic of Monday’s LOVE SCHOOL. 

Learn more and join LOVE SCHOOL here.

Diagnosing What’s Happening When Plans Get Broken

We all make mistakes when it comes to making and breaking plans. We’re human. That’s understandable. If someone breaks a plan at the last minute once or twice, it’s annoying but understandable, especially if there’s an emergency and breaking the plan was unavoidable. If they break plans repeatedly—especially while denying the plan ever existed and blaming you for reacting—it can make you feel confused, hurt, and quietly unhinged. You may find yourself wondering, “Did I imagine that conversation? Am I being too sensitive? Is something wrong with me—or with them? Is something wrong with my memory?”

As a physician, trauma-informed IFS educator, and someone who has spent decades listening closely to the stories people tell about their relationships, I want to say this clearly: chronic plan-breaking is not a small thing. It’s not just about calendars or logistics. It’s about shared reality, trust, and nervous system safety.

When plans keep getting broken, hijacked, denied, or reframed after the fact, something deeper is almost always going on. Let’s break down some of the causes of chronic plan-breaking and talk about how to discern the differences in what lies beneath the broken trust. 

Why Plans Matter More Than We Think

A plan is a small relational contract. When two people make a plan, they are saying: We anticipate and see the future similarly. Your needs and time matter to me. You are a priority to me. I will organize my behavior with you in mind. For people with trauma histories, plans can be especially regulating. They help the nervous system settle. They reduce uncertainty. They signal reliability.

So when someone regularly breaks plans—or denies that a plan was ever made—the injury is not just inconvenience. It’s relational disorientation and repetitive betrayal. It’s death by a thousand cuts, eroding trust, intimacy, and even your confidence in your own perceptions.

The Core Pattern to Watch For

Before we explore why people break plans, let’s anchor in the observable pattern that tends to cause the most harm:

• A plan is made collaboratively.
• One person unilaterally changes or breaks the plan.
• They deny the plan existed, or minimize its importance.
• The other person is blamed for being upset, disappointed, or reactive.
• Repair does not occur easily.

Different underlying causes can produce this same surface behavior—but the response to the broken plan is what tells you the most.

ADHD: When the Plan Wasn’t Fully Encoded

Some people genuinely don’t register plans clearly. ADHD can affect working memory, attention, and follow-through.

What this often looks like:

• They don’t remember the plan or remember it differently.
• They may have interpreted a committed plan as a floated idea, not realizing you thought the plan was firm.
• They are surprised when you’re upset.

The key differentiator: When ADHD is the primary driver (without the co-existence of narcissistic personality traits, which can sometimes overlay ADHD), personal accountability usually follows awareness that a plan has been broken.

You’re more likely to hear “Oh wow, I really missed that. I’m so sorry.”

There is often a willingness to repair and to put systems in place—writing things down, confirming plans, setting reminders. The emotional tone is remorseful, not entitled.  ADHD may explain the missed appointment. But it does not explain blaming you for having feelings.

Cognitive Decline: When Memory Itself Is Becoming Unreliable

In some cases—particularly with aging or neurological illness—plan-breaking may be related to genuine cognitive decline.

What this can look like:

• Sincere certainty about inaccurate memories.
• Confabulation (the brain filling in gaps).
• Increased rigidity or irritability when challenged.

The key differentiator: Cognitive decline tends to be global, not selective. Memory issues show up in low-stakes situations too, not just when a plan becomes inconvenient or the plan-breaker has a different agenda that they judge as more important than the plan they made with you.

The emotional tone here is often fear or shame, not dominance. While this still requires boundaries, it calls for compassion rather than confrontation.

Dissociation or DID: When Different Parts Hold Different Agreements

In people with significant early trauma, dissociation—and in some cases Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)—can play a role in plan-breaking.

What this can look like:

• One part of the person makes a plan; another part has no memory of it because the parts have solid walls between them and don’t communicate well.
• Values and priorities shift dramatically depending on emotional state.
• The denial of the plan is sincere, not manipulative.

The key differentiator: When dissociation is the driver, people are often distressed to learn they’ve caused harm. There is usually shame, confusion, or grief—not blaming the person they’ve let down.

With support, many people with dissociation can build system-wide agreements and external scaffolding. Dissociation fractures continuity; it does not inherently seek control.

Narcissistic or Entitlement-Based Dynamics: When Shared Reality Is Optional

Some patterns of plan-breaking are not about memory at all. They are about entitlement and power.

What this often looks like:

• Plans exist until they no longer suit the person.
• The denial becomes more rigid when evidence is offered to back up the plan
• Your reaction becomes the “real problem.”
• There is little curiosity about your experience or empathy for your upset feelings.

The key differentiator: Accountability decreases as clarity increases.

In these dynamics, reality is negotiable, but only in one direction. Over time, you may find yourself holding all the responsibility for remembering, accommodating, and staying flexible—while your needs are framed as unreasonable.  This is not a memory issue. It’s a relational safety issue.

Substance Use: When the Nervous System Is Organized Around Avoidance

Another common—and often overlooked—driver of chronic plan-breaking is substance use, including alcohol, cannabis, prescription misuse, or other drugs.

What this can look like:

• Plans made sincerely while sober, then abandoned when using.
• Memory gaps or fuzzy recall around conversations.
• Last-minute cancellations tied to mood shifts, fatigue, hangovers, or altered states.
• Denial of the plan paired with minimization of the substance’s impact.

Substances can impair memory, distort time perception, and lower tolerance for obligation. They can also function as an avoidance strategy—relieving internal pressure by opting out of commitments that suddenly feel overwhelming.

The key differentiator: When substance use is driving the behavior, there is often a pattern of inconsistency tied to states, rather than values. The person may genuinely intend to show up—and then repeatedly fail when substances take precedence.  That said, substance use does not excuse blaming you for reacting. Even when memory is impaired, relational repair is still possible. A healthy response sounds like:

“I didn’t show up the way I said I would, and I can see how that hurt you.”

If instead the focus stays on your disappointment as the problem—rather than on the broken commitment—that’s an important data point.

Living with someone whose plans are routinely disrupted by substance use often leads partners to over-function, compensate, or lower expectations in order to keep the peace. Over time, this can quietly shrink your life.

The Accountability Test (More Useful Than Any Diagnosis)

Instead of asking, What’s wrong with them? try asking:

• Does accountability increase once the impact is named?
• Is there sincere regret, remorse, and empathy?
• Is there curiosity about how this affected me?
• Does repair happen without coercion?

Across ADHD, cognitive decline, and dissociation, accountability often improves with awareness and evidence backing up your claim that a plan has been broken.

In narcissistic dynamics, accountability often evaporates when it’s most needed.

When It’s a Blend (Which Is Common)

Human beings are complex. Someone may have ADHD and narcissistic defenses. Complex PTSD or DID can coexist with entitlement. Cognitive decline can trigger shame-based aggression.

You don’t need a clean diagnosis to notice a consistent outcome:

• Are your needs regularly overridden?
• Are you left doubting your own reality?
• Are you doing most of the emotional labor to keep things functional?

Patterns matter more than labels.

Boundaries That Work Regardless of the Cause

You do not need to determine why someone breaks plans in order to decide what you will tolerate.  A boundary that works across all scenarios might sound like:

“If we make plans, I need them to be honored or renegotiated mutually. If plans are denied after the fact or I’m blamed for reacting, I won’t make future plans that require my flexibility.”

This is not punishment. It’s self-protection.  Repeated plan-breaking can slowly erode your confidence in your own perceptions. You may start over-explaining, over-accommodating, or under-asking.

If this article resonates with you, I want you to hear this:

Your desire for reliability is not too much. Your disappointment makes sense. And your nervous system knows when something isn’t right—even if you can’t yet name it.  Clarity is not cruelty. Boundaries are not abandonment. And you are allowed to organize your life around people who treat shared reality as sacred.

That, too, is a form of love.

If you’re interested in discussing plan-breaking at a deeper level or doing the IFS work to unpack how your parts respond to plan-breaking (or plan-keeping), join us on Monday, January 26 for LOVE SCHOOL, where we’ll be discussing this topic.

Learn more and join us for LOVE SCHOOL here.