Is 2026 Your Year To Give More? Or Receive More?

Happy 2026 everyone! I’m kind of reeling after reading in the New York Times about our President kidnapping another country’s President (and his wife) and vowing to “run Venezuala” in what looks like an act of unauthorized war on a sovereign country. So my shocked, scared, horrified, outraged parts wanted to acknowledge that before I write what I sat down to write. I’m going to put those parts aside so I can write about something else, but if your parts are feeling shocked and scared too, you’re not alone. Yikes. (To hear Heather Cox Richardson’s take on all this, watch her here.)

Here’s what I planned to write before the news threw me off. I spent my New Years in Big Sur, California, which is always a transformational bit of earth for me. It often feels like I’m closer to my soul there, like the veils drop and my defenses crumble, and I’m face to face with Who I Really Am. It’s where I was when I knew I had to quit my job as a doctor- and then face the aftermath of that reality.

Since then, I’ve always said “You don’t have to do anything yet about what you know. You just have to acknowledge what you know to be true.” Once you know what’s true for you, you can’t un-know it. And then, at some point, the cognitive dissonance will hold you to account to live more in alignment with your truth than with your fear of what will happen if you do.

Being in Big Sur also took me on a bit of a life review. I’ve been going there since I was 28, and I’m 56 now, so I can track so many memories to there, so many moments of change and transformation, so many decisions I made there- and then followed through on. So I was celebrating those- and settling gently into some new decisions I wish to make. Because I know it’s only our manager parts that make New Years Resolutions- often without discussing their plans with our firefighter parts or exiled parts, I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions- only New Year’s wishes. (You can read more about what I do instead of New Year’s Resolutions here.)

But still, I was reflecting back on what I wished for last year- and what I wish for, going into 2026. Every year, as the new year turns, I like to take stock, not only of what intentions I set the year before- and whether or not I succeeded in fulfilling my own hopes, dreams, and goals- but also in where I’ve made progress in my personal healing work. There’s something about hitting the end of a calendar year and enjoying (or surviving) another holiday season that offers us a ripe opportunity to appreciate any growth we’ve experienced, changes we’ve made, transformations we might be undergoing, and progress on our personal, psychological, or spiritual path.

Taking Stock Of Giving & Receiving

When I was driving down Highway 1 in the rain towards Big Sur, I was thinking about how depleted I’ve felt recently, after giving a lot of unpaid service to my online community during the pandemic, to my students, to my partnership with a survivor of a severe (and recent) trauma, to front line workers during the pandemic, and to my child, who is now successfully launched and needing less mothering. 

One reader from my Substack community wrote to me to tell me the story about his holiday season with his family of origin. He said that, because of all he’d read here about narcissism, healing from narcissistic abuse, boundary work, and recovery from spiritual bypassing, this was the first year he was able to recognize, name, and speak truth to power around his narcissistic brother, who sucks all the air out of the room whenever the family gathers, like a vampire draining the lifeblood of his victims, nourished by their life force and leaving everyone, but himself, drained.

He told me how he broke out of his life long conflict avoidance and named what was happening- the attention seeking, the incessant addiction to validation, the bragging, the power moves, the subtle (and not so subtle) digs, the smug superiority, the entitled expectations and outrageous demands, the gaslighting and rewriting of history, and the DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) when he tried to speak up about it. (For more about IFS, boundaries, healing from unbalanced relationships, overfunctioning recovery, and highlights from my upcoming book RELATIONSICK, you can read my Substack newsletter The Body Is A Trailhead– and subscribe free or pay as a patron of my work here.)

He asked for my address so he could send me a check, as his year-end gift to those he practices a kind of tithing with, the ones who supported his healing. He also asked what else he might do to support me, the way I’ve supported him. 

Reflecting on 2025- and opening to receiving this generous donation from a reader- made me realize that part of my healing, part of what would be progress for me- is to ask for more financial support from my community of readers. 95% of what I write, I do not get paid for. It’s my public service to the world, the way I continue to be a doctor, outside of the hospital. Because I love to give. Giving is what comes naturally to me. 

Being generous and acts of service are part of my love language, a core aspect of my identity, part of what makes me feel valuable, needed, useful, wanted, good enough. But receiving…yikes. Even though I’ve done tons of therapy on bench-pressing my receiving muscles so I don’t have a panic attack if others are too generous with me and I feel like I’m behind in my reciprocity, it’s still hard to ask for support.

I still remember the day I realized I had a problem with receiving. I’d taken a road trip to Oregon to visit an old friend who’d been asking me to come visit her in Bend. On the way up, I’d stopped at Stewart Hot Springs near Mount Shasta. I’d been awoken in the middle of the night, where I had a mystical experience in Panther Meadows way up Mount Shasta while watching the Perseid Meteor Shower by myself at 3 am. 

When I arrived in Bend, my friend had been so excited to see me that she filled the guest room with all my favorite things- fancy aromatherapy products, a down pillow, gourmet condiments, a fuzzy robe- over-the-top  -stuff I didn’t know how to say thank you for. I figured I’d take her out to the nicest restaurant in town, as an act of sacred reciprocity, to thank her for her hospitality, and she said yes.

We ordered oysters, loads of appetizers, soup, salad, lobster, scallops, wine- the works. And then when the bill came, and I slipped the waiter my credit card, he turned it away and said, “Oh no, Dr. Rankin. The owner is a big fan of your work. Everything is on the house.”

I had a panic attack. Like full-on heart racing, palms sweating, chest paining, hyperventilating terror. That’s when I realized I had a problem receiving blessings. I was masterful at offering blessings, gifts, luxuries, acts of service, home-cooked meals, and chocolates, and other thoughtful, attuned ways of letting them know I care to other people- and I sincerely enjoy delighting people and spoiling them rotten, the way my friend had done for me when I arrived in Bend.

But receiving? Houston, we have a problem.

Bench-Pressing Our Receiving Muscles

I suspect I’m not alone in this. Many people struggle with either giving too much or feeling entitled to take too much. Many of us givers get burned out and resentful and then we might swing to the opposite extreme- when we stop giving, in unhealthy, immature ways, suddenly blaming the people we’ve been giving to. I know one mother who gave too much to her children, but left them infantilized as adults, still dependent on her for way too long. Then, after getting burned out, she blamed them for being needy, clingy losers.

There’s got to be another way we can learn to receive more without shirking our responsibilities, becoming entitled brats, or having panic attacks when someone tries to give us gifts.

 That moment in Bend sent me into deep healing work around receiving. I’ve made a lot of progress—but this reader’s gift helped me notice a remaining edge. I felt the impulse to earn his generosity by offering something free in return. Instead, I practiced breathing. Receiving. Letting gratitude land without scrambling to rebalance the scales.

So here’s one of my wishes for 2026: to receive more—and to overfunction less.

If you’ve benefited from what I write, and you have the resources, I would be deeply grateful if you’d consider a paid subscription on Substack—either for yourself or as a gift for someone else. It truly helps support the immense labor and overhead required to offer this work consistently, year after year. (Help me bench press my receiving muscles by becoming a paid patron of my Substack newsletter for $5/month.)

If you’re feeling even more generous and want to support my non-profit work at HEAL AT LAST, you can also make a tax free donation here to support my passion for health equity and my desire to bring healing work and Internal Family Systems to those who cannot afford to pay much for their healing.

Donate to Heal At Last here.

If you can’t afford to spend money right now, or if you can but you want extra credit, maybe you can express your appreciation- to your own parts instead, honoring your progress, celebrating your growth. 

Taking Stock Of Your Progress & Appreciating Your Wins

Maybe, like the reader who stood up to his bullying brother, you didn’t spiritually bypass this season, confronting issues that arose instead of burying them down and seething with resentment. 

Maybe you decided to stay in a hotel instead of setting yourself up for another holiday blow-up. Maybe you unburdened enough exiles that you found yourself being able to laugh at Great Aunt Gertrude’s intrusiveness, rather than letting a protector part surprise her by setting such firm boundaries that she spat out her eggnog. Maybe you found yourself appreciating your aging parents and their new vulnerabilities, rather than fixating on everything they did wrong when you were growing up.

Similarly, maybe you didn’t kick the can down the road this time. Instead, you initiated a conversation about your requests and needs beforehand, giving your loved ones a chance to accommodate your requests- or not- so you can plan accordingly going forward. Maybe you managed your expectations realistically, so you didn’t set yourself up for yet another letdown. Maybe you initiated a repair conversation rather than avoiding someone you hold a grudge against. Maybe you decided to protect your parts by keeping them safe from someone who has proven not to be trustworthy with your vulnerable parts, no matter how hard you’ve tried.

Maybe this year, you didn’t get a migraine before going to see your parents. Maybe you contained your drinking parts and didn’t let them make a fool out of you at the holiday work party. Maybe you relaxed some of your rigid managers and let yourself skip a few gym days and eat a few cookies, to delight in small pleasures you usually don’t allow yourself to indulge.

Maybe, like the guy who realized he was done enabling his bullying brother, your psychoeducation has paid off- and now you can now recognize and name behaviors that you used to take for granted as “normal.”

Whatever you’ve noticed, take a moment to take stock, to check inside, to celebrate your progress, to appreciate your parts, and to tune into whatever gratitude you legitimately feel for the life you have now, for the relationships you have now, for the job or career or hobbies you have, for your purpose here on earth at a perilous time for humanity.

I, for one, am so grateful for all of you. It is never lost on me that it is a massive privilege to make a living as a full-time writer, mentor, and educator. Without readers, writing is not a profession! Thank you so much for caring about what I write and for supporting me and my family in the ways that some of you do.

I’d love to hear what you’d love more of. Any topics you want me to focus on? Questions you’d like to see me answer? Online classes you’re hoping I’ll teach? Workshops you’re hoping I’ll facilitate? I’m open and listening to your feedback!

As this new year unfolds, we welcome you to join one or both of our online communities- LOVE SCHOOL, for relational recovery, healing from unbalanced relationships, boundary work, and IFS practice, and The Writer’s Calling, for visionaries hoping to express their true life’s purposes through the written word and more. And if you’d love to have one-on-one Transformational Mentoring support with me, you can find that here. Or go for the whole enchilada and get my team’s implementation support in Mentor To Market here.

Whatever your growth edge- and whatever you can celebrate in your wins from last year- may this year be full of more ease, more welcome surprises, more peace and less polarization in your internal family system and in the world, and more balance between giving and receiving.